Count Me Out

According to Garrison Keillor, there are basically two types of Americans:

(a) Americans who when the big smiley preacher stands in the pulpit and says, "How about everybody turn around and shake hands with the person behind you and give them a big howdy!" they all turn around and shake and say howdy and feel sort of uplifted by this.

(b) Americans who would do anything to avoid this, including staying away from church entirely.

I identify fervently with the second group.

Another irritating thing that comes to mind was the habit at certain Christian meetings back in the 1960s and 1970s; the meeting could not possibly get under way until we had gone round the circle and everybody had had a chance to say something about themselves. The one or two audible and articulate show-offs were always heavily outweighed by the stumblers and the mumblers and the whisperers and the ones who blushed and addressed all their remarks to the carpet. One fellow I knew was a stutterer, and he would far rather have had root canal work done than endure this stressful ordeal.